"...marry, snub, and exploit."

Regaining a value of self also entails gaining a value for others. Aren't we, after all, deeply, creatures of community? C.S. Lewis said that, "There are no ORDINARY people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit." Regaining value of self seems to rise or fall on the way I see others - and vice verse. And they both depend on grace. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Often, before making my quick escape out the back after church, I would first take communion. I find it interesting how, no matter the fact that I've taken communion a hundred times, it seems that every time has presented the opportunity to meditate and realize something new or profound. My realization a few months back was that by taking communion I was being invited into Christ's community. That this was church, that i was as much an heir to the community as anyone else present- despite the fact that I sneaked out the back like a shamed beggar. It wasn't for what i could say about myself, but for what Christ said about me. No matter what I felt like, the truth was that I belonged. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is, again, not to say that healing comes quickly, but it is, so to speak, to point higher.

Ouch, My Self!

The road to entering community isn't necessarily easy. I am, personally, hesitant to give and reluctant to be vulnerable. It makes romantic relationships seem impossible. I want control over my own future, something which probably reflects as much a false ideal as somebody who puts all their hope in finding the perfect spouse. Ironically, i feel like the expectations when dating a Christian girl are higher than i can reach. A problem is fear of almost any kind of commitment- which I think is rooted in a fear of failure. I can't lead myself into a situation where i will fail at someone else's expense, so all I have is a hope that someday I'll have a reason for this to change. In the meantime I keep at friends length, the kinds of girls who have depth and quality, and wonder if i should date girls who i barely know for entirely shallow reasons as if there might be something worthwhile to gain with nothing consequential to loose. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Girls can't save you- but that's not lowering expectations, its changing them. Maybe you can't save yourself either. But maybe you can be saved, or are worth being saved- I think that's the important part. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When we talk about marriage we are dealing in high ideals indeed: it seems that my generation either must lower expectations or marry someone who is physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially compatible. There should be shared interests, similar backgrounds, syncretic religious thoughts, and an overlapping taste in movies. ... The Christian answer might be that despite this, the hope for true love has been brutally undercut by sidetracking criteria, that Love in its purest is something to never stop seeking at a higher level. Unconditional love, this perspective would say, is what we have learned from God: looking for the interests of one's partner even above one's own. Its hard to imagine that this “ideal marriage” exists in pure form, but perhaps its hope exists, perhaps its journey exists. Improbable, impossible, and beautiful. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I feel like I've given enough of myself- that I've run to empty, that nothing has refilled it, and that I, resultingly, have nothing left to give. When this happens it seems easy to run to mexico. As i have, however, no apparent right to feel more this way than anyone else, my complex is compounded. I guess we all end up here sometimes, if only to show us that we really need each other. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unless, of course, you want to come to Mexico with me... In which case, forget everyone else. Let's go. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Frederick Buechner writes that “the life you clutch, hoard, guard, and play safe with is in the end a life worth little to anybody, including yourself; and only a life given away for love's sake is a life worth living.” ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Phillip Yancey, a writer I very much enjoy, adds an intersecting point to this idea; he writes that, “the church often misrepresents self-denial. It does not mean denying one's own value or worth: Jesus never did that. Nor does it mean discounting one's gifs or abilities: Paul seized on these as our main contributions to the body of Christ. And not every person is ready for the message of self-denial... Many Christians, diminished by misguided theology, need a healing emphasis on self-possession before they can think about self-sacrifice.” ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, It seems imperative to truly living, that I don't lower expectations of self. My self, however, leans on others and relies on God to define it for its highest value.