Reflections 10: That's how the light gets in

The one thing I can't bring myself to fully deny as delusion is the thing that some Christians say identifies Christianity as unique. Relationship. There is no denying that I had a relationship with God, with Jesus- truth or delusion, the relationship was there. It still is. I still talk to God daily. I have seen too little to simply believe without doubt, but I have seen too much to simply walk away without qualms. Admitting possibility means possibly walking away from God. That's what can make his elusiveness so frustrating. You'd think I'd be able to see him, to feel him in some way that I could hold on to. At the same time, I am somewhat afraid that he will show himself and force me to come face to face with what i can not reconcile. Perhaps His invisibility is as readily grace in this moment as it seems grand apathy in another.

Grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.

There is something else that I can't deny. There's the good, the mountaintop, the unfettered beauty. There is the joy, permeating peace, senseless satisfaction- things which characterized days, many of them just memories, that yet give me hope that, even while I'm wrestling these snares out, grace might, one day, lead me to where I belong.

Reflections 9: There's a crack in everything

At this point it begins to seem more attractive to let down my guard completely; I could still call myself a Christian if i wanted to, I suppose, if i wanted to fit in in my current society. Importantly, however, it would mean to let go of all that baggage of sunk costs. I would be free of a dying investment. I would be liberated from a sense of responsibility that doesn't benefit me any more than it apparently benefits anyone else. The feeling, sometimes, is akin to the one you feel when you've been at a dead end job too long. It no longer pays the bills, its the same unfulfilled routine, its taking away from other opportunities and you don't even really like your co-workers that much anymore anyways. When you look at them, half the time, you see exactly what you never want to become. No, leaving church altogether might be the best option. I could always hang out with the ones that would accept me despite me outside the institution.
Seriously? Not likely. Once raised in a certain manner, it is especially unsavoury to break ties and habits.

But is that all it comes down to?

We see what we want to see. I observe that a significant shift has occurred in my psyche. I used to want to see God and from the Christian power-of-Jesus paradigm, but over time it became harder to see. Then, it shifted. I came to the point where i would have preferred to see from an agnostic paradigm. I used to say that despite having never seen enough to believe, I have also seen too much to walk away. Now I say, “like what?” Have I ever seen an undeniable miracle? I certainly haven't had one happen for me, not that couldn't be explained away. Yes, there is benefit to religion. There really is. But if one can't truly believe, can one really benefit?
I wonder, now, if, just like those who want to see miracles see miracles, I've chosen to ignore the possibility of such because of what I want. I can't bring myself to believe the whole of the Christian belief system, and so I can't bring myself to believe a portion. If I am forced to admit to a true miracle, then I might have to face the whole thing again, and I don't feel like i can do that.

Frankly, I feel too broke. I can't go back now.

So “surely your 'miracle' was either fallacy or farce.”

But it can't possibly make me believe.