The one thing I can't bring myself to fully deny as delusion is the thing that some Christians say identifies Christianity as unique. Relationship. There is no denying that I had a relationship with God, with Jesus- truth or delusion, the relationship was there. It still is. I still talk to God daily. I have seen too little to simply believe without doubt, but I have seen too much to simply walk away without qualms. Admitting possibility means possibly walking away from God. That's what can make his elusiveness so frustrating. You'd think I'd be able to see him, to feel him in some way that I could hold on to. At the same time, I am somewhat afraid that he will show himself and force me to come face to face with what i can not reconcile. Perhaps His invisibility is as readily grace in this moment as it seems grand apathy in another.
Grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.
There is something else that I can't deny. There's the good, the mountaintop, the unfettered beauty. There is the joy, permeating peace, senseless satisfaction- things which characterized days, many of them just memories, that yet give me hope that, even while I'm wrestling these snares out, grace might, one day, lead me to where I belong.
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