Changes IX: on our feet. on our knees.

I've been wanting to become a better person, and I suppose that is as much as anyone can ask. Its something which has had to begin at a reasserted sense of self-identity- a real desire to become better because its where I believe creator God wants me to be, but also as i realize the advantage it holds for me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Over the past semester, under the pressure of academic deadlines a tired body and heart I became effected by the duality of, on one hand, my own failures- and on the other, determination. I like the romanticism of positivism and the idea that i can make myself a better person, but I admit that it is God's grace that I continually rely on in a world where I am pulled by two relentless polarities- often failing, ever weak. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So we do the best we can in a world which is fraying under the weight. Sometimes we feel stronger and sometimes weaker and the lies fed to the strong are that they will always be strong and that their strength is a licence to run solo. What I think I've become more aware of is that my strengths are not for me alone any more than my weaknesses are. We help each other, and usually out of a place of shared infirmity, relative limitation, and the awareness of equality that that brings: “beggars telling other beggars where to find bread,” someone once said. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “One thing I realize as I get older” Said a friend recently, “is that there is a lot of sorrow in the world”. I think there is a time early in life where you can largely ignore this sorrow, and it might even evade you. At some point, however, it will find you and it might destroy you or it might define you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Discipline and conviction are, i suppose, what helps prepares someone for an event which his heart would normally respond badly to. It is what helps rescue workers focus on the tasks at hand and ignore shock. It is what makes you want to keep becoming better even after the girl who was your aim and hope cuts you lose. It might help you stay alive when others die. We take a deep breath, and with strength which comes from community and Grace that comes from God we put another foot in front.... And then another.