read a book again.

I crossed paths with Werner up in the Shushwap when i was there in the summer. He lent me a new book by Donald, which I didn't know had been written. Both Werner and I have long been fans, although I think we've felt more like friends, of Donald since he rose to prominence in our teen years. His books, without fail, have managed to feel like a humorous conversation with a friend who has been recently traveling the same season of life. They have always been validating and inspiring, if unassuming, companions.

So i set aside a few hours and read his latest at a coffee shop downtown Nanaimo. As I did I wrote down sections which resonated with me, just assuming that his latest book would inform my life yet again.
And it did, but in a way that reminded me how far the drift has taken me from the flow.

Its called Scary Close, and here are a few parts I wrote down:

"When I'm alone I don't have to perform for anybody"

I love being by myself- not for longer than a few days mind you- hiking the trails on the West Coast. Donald talks about dating his wife who he felt he didn't need to perform for. I am concerned that I can't tell the difference between performing and not. I'm very good at best face forward. I've worked sales enough to know that I am. I also know that the internal life doesn't always reflect the interior, but I get by telling myself its more important to perform than wear my heart on my sleeve. Later, however, Dan asserts that "Environments in which we are encouraged to hide our faults are toxic."
But, of course, I ask, is there anything wrong with wanting to be alone on the trail? The thing is, I know I resist inviting others along, because I apparently like my own company best. I am, however, becoming less convinced that this is the show of strength I've built it up to be.

"I've come to believe that there is something noble about doing little with your life save offering love to a person who is offering it back."

I'm not sure I can buy into this yet. I'm still caught up in the world of prestige.

"I like what Victor Frankl wrote, about how we aren't designed to spend too much time thinking about ourselves, that we are healthier when we're distracted by a noble cause."

This idea is sticky. Especially as I consider where my life will head in the next couple years. I've probably spent too much time with me. I could always blame my homeschooling in grade-school. Or i could blame the church for telling me I could change the world. But I should probably blame no-one, not even myself, and move forward in a more collective consciousness. I do tend to be happier when I have close friends or a team around me. I think as my focus shifts from the individual (me) to the group, my problems become reduced in the process, or as my focus shifts to a noble cause. Don later talks about people who, at the core, believe that, despite their flaws, they are really good for other people.
Talk about a focus shift.

"I'd have to trust that my flaws were the ways through which I would receive grace"

Well nuts. Maybe not a new idea, but one which bears repeating, maybe especially in the time we inhabit. I can see that in this way of seeing things you feel innate value not just in your success, but also in your failures. Its an idea that transcends the economics of our zero-sum planet. Its a revolutionary idea. Its a hard one to breathe in, but if anything can save us...

"much of the time I've spent trying to impress people has been a waste"

Is it misplaced self-preservation? Because yes. I feel like this also. Maybe, instead of looking for people that I can impress, I should seek people who I can ask for help.
Donald goes on to talk about how giving time is a proof of love, keeping us from getting too self-absorbed. This is an idea I struggle with. Because I like to doll out my time to me. Like a big game where you are losing if someone else takes some of that time without giving anything back. Of course, this is why spending time with someone doing nothing is a powerful gesture, and one I'm apparently not arrived at achieving.

"controlling people are the loneliest people in the world."

No comment

"There were many reasons I didn't get married in my thirties, but one of them is I didn't want to let go of my need to accumulate money, validation, and influence."

Well, I think I can say something similar about my twenties, and knowing my tendency to play the long game over taking a risk, it could be what my thirties end up looking like. but I don't think this just pertains just to marriage or something like that either. I can always accumulate more security and attempt for more prestige. All the live long life. Risks that will cause my life to spike from the mold, however, those fly away as time sets my trajectory in the frame that came before me.

"if a man has no sense of meaning, Frankl argued, he will numb himself with pleasure."

There seems to be a divergence between the man I've been becoming and the man I keep wanting to become. Whether my vector will alter, however may be defined by something as simple, as fleeting and as human as choice.