reflections 3: What happens to a hope deffered

Arriving back had all the units of experience one is told to expect on re-entry to home culture: high to be home, disillusionment with a system which one is a part of, compromise, and eventually a re-settling into a more informed value system. For me, however, resettling hardly ever happened. Compromise was a coming to terms with my loneliness and the fact that I didn't need to come to rest, that my questions would not be answered, and that these things were best to continue defining me.

The things that I used to think so important for maintaining a proper lifestyle: no smoking, no cussing, moderate drinking, healthy eating, tolerance for all, a quiet and submissive spirit- they hardly mattered. The bigger picture was so much bigger, the size of our lives was so much smaller. Even doing those proper things that a good Christian should do, praying for a quotient of time, reading a regulated portion of scripture, trying ones best to interpret it, be at the ready to defend ones faith, going to church and not leaving half way through because your soul is breaking- they fell by the roadside too.
Oh, and I hated war-metaphor.

Who was I fighting?

I was so often assuaged with this feeling from Sunday morning services that I had to go out at attempt some impossible feat- to fight the fight! Defend the faith! When my pastor found me working at one of the prominent cafes in the middle of town he gave me a grin and a fist jab and said, “we're taking over!” As if I had positioned myself there directly to push an agenda that “we” upheld.
“us” “them” “take” “infect” “show” so more often used than “listen” “learn” “relate” “befriend” “be freinded”

As time went by and I processed my trip, it slowly came to me that the one thing I predominantly was taught – if someone asked me how I'd grown. I grew in an appreciation for the experience of others. It was humbling to understand more deeply that everyone has their own experiences, which in turn affect the way they act and the choices they make. How could I judge anyone without understanding the depth of their experiences?

I wanted to get to know people so badly.

When I moved back to my hometown, my closest friends had moved away and I was left treading water, trying desperately to make contact with new people. I tried to connect with people at school, at church, at work- mostly it was like knocking on a brick wall.

I started working at a cafe, and this, at least, was a valuable social sphere. As I got to know snippets of my co-workers life, and them mine, I found these people to be my contemporaries more than objects of an agenda. I found, also, that as I listened, genuinely for the no-strings-attatched purpose of getting to know their stories I could also share mine honestly and without censorship. My experience was what it was, and they weren't in any more a position to attack it than i was to attack theirs- so they didn't. Somebodies experience is their own, and you can't deny them that. Dialogue builds relationships, not walls. I didn't want to “Fight the Fight!” I just badly wanted to talk.

If the gift of humility was lowering my walls, was that bad?

Church continued to be the hardest sphere to break into. Strange, since I was mostly raised within it and I should feel comfortable there. I can't say I blame the congregations I attended. The fault might have been mine. It just seemed that if i could make contact with any social group within a church community that felt remotely on level ground it was short-lived and shallow. I began working through people, deciding that if they weren't going to give me enough of their time, I wasn't going to give them mine. I was on the hunt for people who would converse. Though, it seemed that those who gave me a quotent of time often didn't give me much quality relationship. I grew very sick of sitting around expensive bars with shallow conversations. I began walking away as soon as church ended so that I wouldn't be forced to face the empty awkward rejection that was the feeling that accompanied the defeating attempts to make small talk.