Its a dangerous thing walking out your door

In “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off” the great germ isn’t why everyone at school loves him so much, it’s why his girlfriend loves him. You think its because he’s charismatic, fun, unafraid, and takes her to the fanciest restaurant in the fastest car… but I think its actually because Ferris Beuller knew “exactly what you were going to do when you woke up this morning.”
He’s a man with a plan. Why wouldn’t a girl want that?
Integral to my lack of ever following through on a relationship might be the fact that I don’t have a plan… and I don’t mean career or whatever. I mean, I don’t even know what I want out of a relationship. There are appeals, but I don’t know which one’s I’m really willing to trade-off my current existence for. Sound ridiculous? I know.

I’ve blamed the Christian culture for a long time. In this culture there is often such emphasis put upon traditional coupling (marriage and procreation, preferably in that order) that girls will either shy from a relationship they fear they can’t commit to in a really serious way, or if they do, consider marriage to be right around the corner. I’m speaking only one gender side. I believe it works the opposite way too. Its just that I only want to get my feet wet. So I went out with a few girls outside my particular tradition, and things were slightly less complicated… but then, nope. They were complicated too. What do you want out of this? I suppose this is the crap that dating websites try to cut to the bone through, and about which no-one tells the truth anyways.
But talk about guilt complex, when you quit a relationship, having grown up in my culture. I’m really not sure if its good or bad to feel so much. Then there’s the division of breaking with the culture and with what you believe is actually right. They often feel the same, and rebelling against one’s conscience is a no-good thing.

I have a friend who knows what kind of girl he wants and what kind of commitment he’s looking for. He actually loves the idea of commitment. He will, undoubtedly, sooner-or-later join the increasing ranks of those guys around me paired off in steady and committed marriages of some kind or another. Maybe he’ll even settle down in one city with a regular job. Bold, undoubtedly, and good, for certain. Yet, here I still am, wondering at the diversity of experience in the world and wondering, probably very selfishly, but certainly with real curiosity, at the panoply, quite unsure of what I want. Do what you know? I don’t know. Do what you want? Does that include anything? Everything? Do you really even want it to?