Started out waking up and wrapping presents, but not presents of mine. Every year at the mall a group of friends wrap presents on Christmas eve as a fundraiser for the Mustard Seed food bank. Its a great event to be sure.
The time flew by. I had a good time and wrapped presents with a fury.
Afterward we went to visit my Grandpa. When i say we i mean my immediate family save one. He has been moved into one of those homes where they tell you not to let anyone with a walker out the front door. I don't blame them for trying to escape.
My Grandpa was lost behind a sea of alshimers, drugs, and the decaying body and mind that i guess would come naturally with too much time with no change and too much change all at once. I'm convinced some part of him knew what was going on, that his heirs were there to see him at christmas. A warm-souled Jamaican set the musical backdrop to the scene where he was playing christmas carols and hymns fused in a medley of smiles and eye contact to the immobile and mostly unresponsive group of elderly.
My Grandpa shed tears when i left.
Its something that you don't appreciate a life while its there the same way you do when its gone.
I hiked up a mountain and camped overnight on boxing day so it wasn't 'till I got back that I found out he was gone.
Every Christmas seems to etch its own identity on the sketchbook of my memory with a distinct experience or reflection. I didn't really know what was unusual about this Christmas until it happened all at once.
I think this Christmas I saw life as more than a day, more than a moment, more than an objective. I literally only gave 1 and 1/3 presents this year. And happily i didn't get any dvds. instead, a camping sack, a toque, a book. Things that somehow said life was more than 1.5 hours of escape on an evening after work.
A Life of work will be tied off in a 1.5 hour ceremony on saturday that will say only a outline of what it really was. Maybe if were lucky we'll all leave wondering how to live a legacy as well. To leave gifts that really say something.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Risk Factor
I was thinking about love.
The way i see History in relation to our lives is as a playing field of epic proportions.
I think God has called us to play a role in our own redemptive destiny. He shows us love and lets us dispense it. He lets us become sacrifices to him, playing out the lives he designed us to thrive in.
this is more or less my belief and my view.
I was thinking about love, how it seems to take one more element than sacrifice and action- and i wonder if it has something to do with the tree in the garden of Eden.
If you tell someone that you love them, and I mean with all the depth of a classical wedding vow, how are you not entering a risky zone? (Call me mistrusting if you want. Call me cold and embittered and tell me i have a fear of intimacy if you must but do hear me out.) You may trust them to always love you back like you love them, but what if they don't? What if they change? What if they Leave? What if they die?
Does love take an element of having to gain something to loose?
I have a friend who is about thirty and has traveled all over the world. His way spells experience. His job is jumping out of planes to fight fires and his hobbies are surfing, hiking and kayaking. My kind of guy. He has clearly got nothing to tie him down. He has nothing to lose.
As cool as this is, I can't help but wonder if, with nothing to loose, if he has anything truly great to gain. I wonder if you can make a really really deep impact on someone else's life unless they become something to loose to you. I don't know. I'm hypothisising.
As an aside, maybe what people mean when they say to have the heart of Christ is to realize the love That Christ had for the world and that each one is something of great value to him. I don't think i can love the world on my own. Maybe one or two or ten tops. Maybe we need to remember that it is Christ's love that fills us and to shake off your shoes when you leave?
This last paragraph was off topic meanderings, but i'm sure if there's one place where this kind of "gaining to lose" love is meant to exist- if only to help us understand God- is in marriage and family.
I was reading this book by my friend Don. Well, i guess he isn't really my friend, in that we've never spoke- but his name is Don. He pointed out in his book that the most epic movies involve a character who has to be self sacrificial- probably having his life on the line- to help the many or several significant people whose lives depend on him.
I think I'd like to live an epic movie- so to speak. Does it make a good story having gone to the moon and back if i've never put my life on the line for somebody else? I don't think so.
The Bible says that "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13 (NIV)
This quote brings me back to the macroepic. God is trying to get us back with the accumulation of history Being Jesus and his salvation. His salvation that has been avaliable to all but rejected by so many. That's loss! That's risk! If anyone deserves rejection issues I guess it's Christ- but He knows what He wants. I want that too.
His world crawls with somebody's to lose in this ultimate love epic.
Maybe if i adopt the heart of Christ I can work for him.
Maybe if I mimic Him I will live an epic.
Maybe love takes gaining something to loose.
Maybe love takes the risk factor.
People say they fall in love. I think that I'll have to jump first.
The way i see History in relation to our lives is as a playing field of epic proportions.
I think God has called us to play a role in our own redemptive destiny. He shows us love and lets us dispense it. He lets us become sacrifices to him, playing out the lives he designed us to thrive in.
this is more or less my belief and my view.
I was thinking about love, how it seems to take one more element than sacrifice and action- and i wonder if it has something to do with the tree in the garden of Eden.
If you tell someone that you love them, and I mean with all the depth of a classical wedding vow, how are you not entering a risky zone? (Call me mistrusting if you want. Call me cold and embittered and tell me i have a fear of intimacy if you must but do hear me out.) You may trust them to always love you back like you love them, but what if they don't? What if they change? What if they Leave? What if they die?
Does love take an element of having to gain something to loose?
I have a friend who is about thirty and has traveled all over the world. His way spells experience. His job is jumping out of planes to fight fires and his hobbies are surfing, hiking and kayaking. My kind of guy. He has clearly got nothing to tie him down. He has nothing to lose.
As cool as this is, I can't help but wonder if, with nothing to loose, if he has anything truly great to gain. I wonder if you can make a really really deep impact on someone else's life unless they become something to loose to you. I don't know. I'm hypothisising.
As an aside, maybe what people mean when they say to have the heart of Christ is to realize the love That Christ had for the world and that each one is something of great value to him. I don't think i can love the world on my own. Maybe one or two or ten tops. Maybe we need to remember that it is Christ's love that fills us and to shake off your shoes when you leave?
This last paragraph was off topic meanderings, but i'm sure if there's one place where this kind of "gaining to lose" love is meant to exist- if only to help us understand God- is in marriage and family.
I was reading this book by my friend Don. Well, i guess he isn't really my friend, in that we've never spoke- but his name is Don. He pointed out in his book that the most epic movies involve a character who has to be self sacrificial- probably having his life on the line- to help the many or several significant people whose lives depend on him.
I think I'd like to live an epic movie- so to speak. Does it make a good story having gone to the moon and back if i've never put my life on the line for somebody else? I don't think so.
The Bible says that "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13 (NIV)
This quote brings me back to the macroepic. God is trying to get us back with the accumulation of history Being Jesus and his salvation. His salvation that has been avaliable to all but rejected by so many. That's loss! That's risk! If anyone deserves rejection issues I guess it's Christ- but He knows what He wants. I want that too.
His world crawls with somebody's to lose in this ultimate love epic.
Maybe if i adopt the heart of Christ I can work for him.
Maybe if I mimic Him I will live an epic.
Maybe love takes gaining something to loose.
Maybe love takes the risk factor.
People say they fall in love. I think that I'll have to jump first.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Good Article II
Ok, so what happens is i read any newspaper i can get my hands on at lunch or coffee break and sometimes find good articles. This one should be of interest. I found it so. I'm sure its a step in the right direction. Do you think it can work?
Click to link.
Click to link.
Good Article
This guy might get smeared for speaking his mind but i guess he gets diplomatic immunity as a writer. What if I agree with him then. I'll say as much. I think he's very right. He talks about Britain, but you can certainly put Canada in its place.
I like immigration and I like immigrants. I think we have a lot we can learn and experience with peoples of other religions and cultures and countries. I have nothing to say against other races because thats not what i'm talking about. I'm talking about cultural toleration and the fact that there are still moral lines in this country. These are human right issues that i believe we've been fighting for in Afghanistan and other places. If we can't enforce them in Closed Cults, cultural centres or land reserves, then it feels a little confusing to be fighting for them in other countries. Not that i think we shouldn't be in those situations, but you see my point? These morals apply whether you are chinese or indian, muslim or Mormon, Aboriginal or fifth generation canadian dutch. This writer says there is a universal morality. I must agree. If you think i sound offensive (and believe me, it feels like it too) maybe we need to realize that our sensitivity to offend is what can breed ignorance and set us up for a serious fall.
Your thoughts?
Click to link to the article
I like immigration and I like immigrants. I think we have a lot we can learn and experience with peoples of other religions and cultures and countries. I have nothing to say against other races because thats not what i'm talking about. I'm talking about cultural toleration and the fact that there are still moral lines in this country. These are human right issues that i believe we've been fighting for in Afghanistan and other places. If we can't enforce them in Closed Cults, cultural centres or land reserves, then it feels a little confusing to be fighting for them in other countries. Not that i think we shouldn't be in those situations, but you see my point? These morals apply whether you are chinese or indian, muslim or Mormon, Aboriginal or fifth generation canadian dutch. This writer says there is a universal morality. I must agree. If you think i sound offensive (and believe me, it feels like it too) maybe we need to realize that our sensitivity to offend is what can breed ignorance and set us up for a serious fall.
Your thoughts?
Click to link to the article
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Remember
I thought that today I might not go to the cenotaph. I was working and figured that from the field i'd be in at 11:00am I would take a minute to remember the veterans to the pastoral scene of ocean, hills and surmising Canadian Geese.
However, as i began to think on the nature of the day (and also listened to some BBC World Service Podcasts and one with Stuart McLean from CBC- all themed in some way around freedom and rememberance day) I changed my mind.
I came inside the farm house for a coffee and asked my employer where the assembly was held on their island- because i wanted to go. She, who wouldn't have minded if i took the whole day off, offered the Jeep to my use for the rest of the day.
The blue jeep had actually belonged to her late father who had, himself, been a WWII Vet. The Jeep sped and cornered with a spirit that makes one joke that it has a bit of the old Dr. (known for his frenzied driving- perhaps adapted in the war) embedded in it's engine's soul.
The pipers, the RCMP, The Veterans.
The heartstirring anthem and the buglers.
The horn sounded from the fire hall. I think it might have been an air raid signal- although i don't know if such small towns in far-removed Canada were outfitted with them. Whether or not, it was the most stirring moment for me as the incredibly loud signal ripped through me. it was reminiscent of movies that i'd seen with that sound, except this was the real thing. I suddenly felt a reminiscence and empathy for the people who lived through such times.
As the names of the fallen were called I looked into the crowd to see a woman with her daughter's arm holding her- reddened eyes holding back tears. To her this was no mere list of names.
If you were never raised going to your local cenotaph on Nov 11th, i encourage you to not let your habits stop you from getting out of your way next year. The WWI vetrans passed on, it won't be long before the WWII Vetrans are gone before you can stand to salute them.
I hope that Nov 11th is as important to you as it is to me. I feel it is the only day of the year (excepting perhaps Canada day) that all residents of this far and wide should observe.
If you are a vocal pacifict then you are a hipocrite to not lead the way.
If you are an immigrant then these vetrans sacrificed for you as well.
If you are an idealist then learn from those who took self-sacrificing action in the face of the less than ideal, so that you could have ideals.
Other holidays are mostly of cultural or religious affiliation- and therefore you have your freedoms not to be involved (although i wish we'd all share our own cultures and religious affiliations with each other more) but Rememberance day is for every one who calls themselves a free Canadian. It is a moral obligation.
Apparently the silence on Rememberance day was suggested by an Austrailian visiting Britian and seeing the young people dancing and boys kissing the girls in the streets and thought that a silent rememberance would be more appropriate. I certainly agree with him. we don't want the day lost in a party.
However, i must also immagine what it might have felt like to have the war over. The war was reason for solemness. Its end was reason for dancing.
Two days ago was the 20th aniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall. I don't want to over-romanticise this event, but there is no getting around its incredible symbolic and physical significance when it was breached and crossed and torn down. Freedom employed. Wow.
I watched Swing Kids recently and was influenced by the way that the freedom to dance like Americans was threatened to the utmost in youth culture in Germany. I started swing dancing this year, and am pretty glad that i can do so without fear of being shut down or locked up.
I think along with remembering those who sacrificed for our freedom comes a sort of inner obligation to celebrate the aspects of that freedom. Speak freely of religion and culture and art. Get a great education, research history and literature and reach for the sky. Today we remember and we do not forget. For tomorrow we will dance (and maybe even kiss some girls).
Join with me, become aware of our fighting men both past and present. Our boys are supposed to be back from Afganistan in 2011. Let's remeber them too.
However, as i began to think on the nature of the day (and also listened to some BBC World Service Podcasts and one with Stuart McLean from CBC- all themed in some way around freedom and rememberance day) I changed my mind.
I came inside the farm house for a coffee and asked my employer where the assembly was held on their island- because i wanted to go. She, who wouldn't have minded if i took the whole day off, offered the Jeep to my use for the rest of the day.
The blue jeep had actually belonged to her late father who had, himself, been a WWII Vet. The Jeep sped and cornered with a spirit that makes one joke that it has a bit of the old Dr. (known for his frenzied driving- perhaps adapted in the war) embedded in it's engine's soul.
The pipers, the RCMP, The Veterans.
The heartstirring anthem and the buglers.
The horn sounded from the fire hall. I think it might have been an air raid signal- although i don't know if such small towns in far-removed Canada were outfitted with them. Whether or not, it was the most stirring moment for me as the incredibly loud signal ripped through me. it was reminiscent of movies that i'd seen with that sound, except this was the real thing. I suddenly felt a reminiscence and empathy for the people who lived through such times.
As the names of the fallen were called I looked into the crowd to see a woman with her daughter's arm holding her- reddened eyes holding back tears. To her this was no mere list of names.
If you were never raised going to your local cenotaph on Nov 11th, i encourage you to not let your habits stop you from getting out of your way next year. The WWI vetrans passed on, it won't be long before the WWII Vetrans are gone before you can stand to salute them.
I hope that Nov 11th is as important to you as it is to me. I feel it is the only day of the year (excepting perhaps Canada day) that all residents of this far and wide should observe.
If you are a vocal pacifict then you are a hipocrite to not lead the way.
If you are an immigrant then these vetrans sacrificed for you as well.
If you are an idealist then learn from those who took self-sacrificing action in the face of the less than ideal, so that you could have ideals.
Other holidays are mostly of cultural or religious affiliation- and therefore you have your freedoms not to be involved (although i wish we'd all share our own cultures and religious affiliations with each other more) but Rememberance day is for every one who calls themselves a free Canadian. It is a moral obligation.
Apparently the silence on Rememberance day was suggested by an Austrailian visiting Britian and seeing the young people dancing and boys kissing the girls in the streets and thought that a silent rememberance would be more appropriate. I certainly agree with him. we don't want the day lost in a party.
However, i must also immagine what it might have felt like to have the war over. The war was reason for solemness. Its end was reason for dancing.
Two days ago was the 20th aniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall. I don't want to over-romanticise this event, but there is no getting around its incredible symbolic and physical significance when it was breached and crossed and torn down. Freedom employed. Wow.
I watched Swing Kids recently and was influenced by the way that the freedom to dance like Americans was threatened to the utmost in youth culture in Germany. I started swing dancing this year, and am pretty glad that i can do so without fear of being shut down or locked up.
I think along with remembering those who sacrificed for our freedom comes a sort of inner obligation to celebrate the aspects of that freedom. Speak freely of religion and culture and art. Get a great education, research history and literature and reach for the sky. Today we remember and we do not forget. For tomorrow we will dance (and maybe even kiss some girls).
Join with me, become aware of our fighting men both past and present. Our boys are supposed to be back from Afganistan in 2011. Let's remeber them too.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
and get dead
The lone ranger is I
I ride alone despised
Shotgun if anyone should get too close
Rifle for a pot shot at a crow on a post
I ride alone I fight alone
My dying cause is mine alone
I've two handguns with six rounds each
But I'm down to one last shot
I stand alone
I plan alone
I hide alone
I'll die alone
It was here in the wilderness i turned loneliness to strength.
I kept crowds at arms length doing good. doing good.
I can make it on my own. I ride alone
I ride alone.
I've been playing this card game for years now
playing mine close to the chest
every play a poker face
So you can never guess
The stakes are high
They are too high
But I can't let the raise go by
It's hope versus pride
And I'm on the wrong side
The dealer catches fear in my eye
And I'm gambling my life
The stakes are High they are too high
First my saddle then my arms and my spurs
on this line that i walk alone
The game is set it is too set
and I'm fearing that everyone knows how it ends
I've no defence.
I gambled and lost and at the break of dawn
To meet you in a draw
I lost my hand and all my pride
its love versus fear
and I'm on the wrong side
You looked for me high and dry
Wanted posters saying dead and alive
So before my fingers are on the trigger
I'm shot dead in the street
I couldn't have expected any different
Thought I had a licking speed
My career livelihood reputation and shame
is my opponents in a moment by an earth shattering pain
and takes me off my high horse.
Then he ripped out my heart and he put his
in stead
I came up a new man
while Jesus was dead
It's truth versus fear
the stakes are high
I'm walking in here
But I'm on the wrong side
I ride alone despised
Shotgun if anyone should get too close
Rifle for a pot shot at a crow on a post
I ride alone I fight alone
My dying cause is mine alone
I've two handguns with six rounds each
But I'm down to one last shot
I stand alone
I plan alone
I hide alone
I'll die alone
It was here in the wilderness i turned loneliness to strength.
I kept crowds at arms length doing good. doing good.
I can make it on my own. I ride alone
I ride alone.
I've been playing this card game for years now
playing mine close to the chest
every play a poker face
So you can never guess
The stakes are high
They are too high
But I can't let the raise go by
It's hope versus pride
And I'm on the wrong side
The dealer catches fear in my eye
And I'm gambling my life
The stakes are High they are too high
First my saddle then my arms and my spurs
on this line that i walk alone
The game is set it is too set
and I'm fearing that everyone knows how it ends
I've no defence.
I gambled and lost and at the break of dawn
To meet you in a draw
I lost my hand and all my pride
its love versus fear
and I'm on the wrong side
You looked for me high and dry
Wanted posters saying dead and alive
So before my fingers are on the trigger
I'm shot dead in the street
I couldn't have expected any different
Thought I had a licking speed
My career livelihood reputation and shame
is my opponents in a moment by an earth shattering pain
and takes me off my high horse.
Then he ripped out my heart and he put his
in stead
I came up a new man
while Jesus was dead
It's truth versus fear
the stakes are high
I'm walking in here
But I'm on the wrong side
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Drop my Iron
You know what stinks about being a Christian in our society?
Sometimes its the best thing ever. It means we can have freedom of speech and expression and hold congregational meetings reaching into the thousands without overt persecution. It allows for us to share our faith in a country that often as not encourages morality and where we can build our empires without having a governmental system tear them down to equality.
Sometimes it sucks. I find that i become so comfortable in my self-indulgence and convenience that i start thinking that somehow i built the wash machine that cleans my clothes. My race is self sufficient and powerful and democratic which makes us all gods. Praying for the meal sometimes makes me feel ridiculous because i think, "what am i thanking God for. I paid for this meal. I cooked it. Why are we giving the credit to God?" On the flip side, when something goes wrong we have ourselves to blame.
I know. Stupid right? I don't need to explain why... According to James every good and perfect gift comes from God. More elementally- he created me, this world, and the plot of land that i was born on. Its just dangerously easy to fall into this self-worshiping mentality.
In a few months I'll be getting on a plane (according to plans) so as to live for 6 or more months in a impoverished society. For 6 months i will have the opportunity to change my world view and maybe keep it for a while upon re-immersion to a 1st world state. When I'm there i will be praying for the food- that it doesn't make me sick. I will be thanking for the food- because i will see others who have to fight for it. I will be grateful for my health- for i will see others who's health keep them from their full potential and yet they tarry on. I will be conscious of my upbringing- that handed me everything from education to opportunity on a silver platter. But will I truly, here or there, learn to give up and Die to myself.
This is the crux, I believe. Jesus doesn't want half of us or most of us. We are better off giving all of us. I won't pretend that its not like loosing everything you've ever learned to lean on, but I'm starting to think that that was all a crutch anyways.
We live in a society that worships security. If we have enough money, asset and investments; If we have enough friends, debtors and dependents; If we have military and freedom and capitalism; If we have a self sufficient homestead with enough stores built up for Armageddon and enough television to help us forget that we're all gonna die someday anyways; then we are OK.
I'm not saying its a bad idea to plan ahead, but depending on your plans is a little different. There is always the element of unpredictability that proves that we are in fact not in control. If those things spin in our favor- we call it our luck. if they spin from our favor we blame God. If we're smarter than that we realize that we are but mortals.
I guess what I'm getting at is that its time to give up- to surrender- my rights to a new system. Dying to the mortality in the hand of divinity. Its not all about me here.
Sometimes its the best thing ever. It means we can have freedom of speech and expression and hold congregational meetings reaching into the thousands without overt persecution. It allows for us to share our faith in a country that often as not encourages morality and where we can build our empires without having a governmental system tear them down to equality.
Sometimes it sucks. I find that i become so comfortable in my self-indulgence and convenience that i start thinking that somehow i built the wash machine that cleans my clothes. My race is self sufficient and powerful and democratic which makes us all gods. Praying for the meal sometimes makes me feel ridiculous because i think, "what am i thanking God for. I paid for this meal. I cooked it. Why are we giving the credit to God?" On the flip side, when something goes wrong we have ourselves to blame.
I know. Stupid right? I don't need to explain why... According to James every good and perfect gift comes from God. More elementally- he created me, this world, and the plot of land that i was born on. Its just dangerously easy to fall into this self-worshiping mentality.
In a few months I'll be getting on a plane (according to plans) so as to live for 6 or more months in a impoverished society. For 6 months i will have the opportunity to change my world view and maybe keep it for a while upon re-immersion to a 1st world state. When I'm there i will be praying for the food- that it doesn't make me sick. I will be thanking for the food- because i will see others who have to fight for it. I will be grateful for my health- for i will see others who's health keep them from their full potential and yet they tarry on. I will be conscious of my upbringing- that handed me everything from education to opportunity on a silver platter. But will I truly, here or there, learn to give up and Die to myself.
This is the crux, I believe. Jesus doesn't want half of us or most of us. We are better off giving all of us. I won't pretend that its not like loosing everything you've ever learned to lean on, but I'm starting to think that that was all a crutch anyways.
We live in a society that worships security. If we have enough money, asset and investments; If we have enough friends, debtors and dependents; If we have military and freedom and capitalism; If we have a self sufficient homestead with enough stores built up for Armageddon and enough television to help us forget that we're all gonna die someday anyways; then we are OK.
I'm not saying its a bad idea to plan ahead, but depending on your plans is a little different. There is always the element of unpredictability that proves that we are in fact not in control. If those things spin in our favor- we call it our luck. if they spin from our favor we blame God. If we're smarter than that we realize that we are but mortals.
I guess what I'm getting at is that its time to give up- to surrender- my rights to a new system. Dying to the mortality in the hand of divinity. Its not all about me here.
When i give up
You know what stinks about being single?
Sometimes its the best thing ever. It opens up avenues that never could otherwise be opened. It allows for flexibility and mobility and living life a little more dangerously. ( But sometimes you wonder if what you do falls to no accountability that can tell you if it really matters. )
Sometimes it sucks. Being a guy puts several meanings to this, but it can make some days so lonely and meaningless that you feel like if you don't have so much as a life to mean something to or so much as a hand to hold that you'll go crazy.
Theres a lot of pack where this punch comes from, but i think at some point you need to realize that having nothing to loose doesn't cut it once you live up to your own fear and gain everything to loose. Do you really have anything worth saving if you have nothing worth loosing? Or anything worth living for if you have nothing besides yourself to die for? I don't know... i just wonder if all my adventures as self-rightious as they might seem still fall flat if i still can't handle love. ref. 1Cor13. And I mean Love.
Problem is i don't know what i fully mean when i'm beginning to think that love is something you do more than something you feel and something you prove more than a dotted line you sign. But thats another issue altogether i suppose.
I guess what i'm getting at is that its all about self sacrifice isn't it? Its all about risking it all to gain it all; about surrendering to get on the right side; about giving up your own security and ideal that you can rule your own life and realize the incredible truth. It's not all about me here.
Sometimes its the best thing ever. It opens up avenues that never could otherwise be opened. It allows for flexibility and mobility and living life a little more dangerously. ( But sometimes you wonder if what you do falls to no accountability that can tell you if it really matters. )
Sometimes it sucks. Being a guy puts several meanings to this, but it can make some days so lonely and meaningless that you feel like if you don't have so much as a life to mean something to or so much as a hand to hold that you'll go crazy.
Theres a lot of pack where this punch comes from, but i think at some point you need to realize that having nothing to loose doesn't cut it once you live up to your own fear and gain everything to loose. Do you really have anything worth saving if you have nothing worth loosing? Or anything worth living for if you have nothing besides yourself to die for? I don't know... i just wonder if all my adventures as self-rightious as they might seem still fall flat if i still can't handle love. ref. 1Cor13. And I mean Love.
Problem is i don't know what i fully mean when i'm beginning to think that love is something you do more than something you feel and something you prove more than a dotted line you sign. But thats another issue altogether i suppose.
I guess what i'm getting at is that its all about self sacrifice isn't it? Its all about risking it all to gain it all; about surrendering to get on the right side; about giving up your own security and ideal that you can rule your own life and realize the incredible truth. It's not all about me here.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Roadtripping with Girls
I went surfing on the weekend with a couple rad-core girls. Really they were just that... but I'm going to make fun of them a little bit regardless because, despite getting along rediculously well, girls and guys are always going to have their differences. Fortunately this time there were only three.
1.) They get hungry at different times.
Whenever i was hungry I felt bad gorging myself on snacks while they politely declined. Later, however, when i was not feeling hardly a tinge of hunger, they would say they were starved and b-line to the best restraunt in site. No obligations to that, i can be hungry any time required. I'm just noting that its wierd. Girls and guys are different.
2.) They aren't as decisive?
I don't know if this is actually a girl thing or not... but it seemed like decision making was done with a lot more deliberation and uncertainty. With guys, decisions are often made as follows:
Guy 1 "Hey, let's go light a bunch of big logs on fire"
Guys 3-5 "We're in"
Guy 2 "Ok fine"
Decision made.
Decision making with the girls:
Guy 1 "wanna eat food"
Girl 1 "ummmm... no not really"
Girl 2 "maybe"
Guy 1 "so later?"
Girl 1 "ummm maybe"
Girl 2 "umm... probably?"
Guy 1 "What does 'Probably?' mean?
Girl 2 "maybe?"
Guy 1 "I'm going to go light some logs on fire"
Girls and guys are different
3.) Girls don't think lighting giant logs on fire in the middle of the beach is cool.
A small fire is cool, but why not a big one? Trust us, if we wanted to flex our muscles by lifting large things infront of you we would have lifted things that looked more impressive than logs; like rocks or cars. Guys just like big fires, is that so wrong?
Girls and guys are different.
1.) They get hungry at different times.
Whenever i was hungry I felt bad gorging myself on snacks while they politely declined. Later, however, when i was not feeling hardly a tinge of hunger, they would say they were starved and b-line to the best restraunt in site. No obligations to that, i can be hungry any time required. I'm just noting that its wierd. Girls and guys are different.
2.) They aren't as decisive?
I don't know if this is actually a girl thing or not... but it seemed like decision making was done with a lot more deliberation and uncertainty. With guys, decisions are often made as follows:
Guy 1 "Hey, let's go light a bunch of big logs on fire"
Guys 3-5 "We're in"
Guy 2 "Ok fine"
Decision made.
Decision making with the girls:
Guy 1 "wanna eat food"
Girl 1 "ummmm... no not really"
Girl 2 "maybe"
Guy 1 "so later?"
Girl 1 "ummm maybe"
Girl 2 "umm... probably?"
Guy 1 "What does 'Probably?' mean?
Girl 2 "maybe?"
Guy 1 "I'm going to go light some logs on fire"
Girls and guys are different
3.) Girls don't think lighting giant logs on fire in the middle of the beach is cool.
A small fire is cool, but why not a big one? Trust us, if we wanted to flex our muscles by lifting large things infront of you we would have lifted things that looked more impressive than logs; like rocks or cars. Guys just like big fires, is that so wrong?
Girls and guys are different.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Wounds
The theme of love, of believing that God is truly a good God in a world suspended in greys and twilights is not one that has escaped my life experience, and perhaps its important that it hasn't. It is a human theme. We need love but people let us down. How can anyone truly love without fail? I know i can't, so it becomes as hard to fall in love as it becomes to accept love. Falling has always required trust and has never been safe. If you are left without arms to fall into too many times it becomes nearly impossible to trust again. But faith makes or breaks us. Unfortunately I think that a cold and embittered heart has become the preference for all too many people. Even though I should understand love more than most people from my life experiences alone, i still struggle on this point. This is why it is important to be honest on this point. no one needs me telling them something that i have difficulty believing myself. I have to wonder about those people who seem to have blind faith. Seems terribly dangerous to me. Maybe stupid. Definitely weird. Although if thats you, then cool. Sit me down for coffee and tell me how its done. Meanwhile I fall in with the broken and hurt and imperfect and ungodly. Maybe more like the samaritan woman at the well than anyone else. I want to know. I want to believe. I need to believe, but we know that sometimes its hard. I can't see the sun for the daylight: can't see His breath for the wind. But this is what faith is. And if there's anyway for the devil himself to stop my service is for him to convince me of the absence of grace and love. If only for this reason we need each other to help us see the light in the darkness...
But I only meant this as an introduction to a few songs that I've crossed recently that I thought were quite beautiful and spoke on this -very human- topic.
I've really come to enjoy "You Found Me" by The Fray. Isaac Slade, the lead singer expressed the song meaning in the following words from two different interviews:
"You Found Me" is a tough song for me. Its about the disappointment, the heart ache, the let down that comes with life. Sometimes you're let down, sometimes you're the one who lets someone else down. It gets hard to know who you can trust, who you can count on. This song came out of a tough time... It takes so much of my faith to keep believing, keep hoping in the unseen. Sometimes the tunnel has a light at the end, but usually they just look black as night. This song is about that feeling, and the hope that i still have, buried deep in my chest.
I kept getting these phone calls from home - tragedy after tragedy. If there is some kind of person in charge of this planet - are they sleeping? Smoking? Where are they? I just imagined running into God standing on a street corner like Bruce Springsteen, smoking a cigarette, and I'd have it out with him."
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."
Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the tephone that never rang
And all i needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Another record I've been enjoying recently is one called "the Heat" by Need To Breathe.
Their song "Again" painfully and beautifully paints the fear of falling in love.
I won't leave you roses to watch them die.
You won't be the heartache that keeps me sleepless
You won't be the songs that I could never write
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall
I don't want to have to see you leave me.
I don't want stay, I don't want to fall in love...
"Looks like love" resolves the conflict later on the album
Our hearts can only shake when there's risk that they could break.
Yea its a risk that I will take.
Raise your head. Its time to say those words that I have left unsaid.
I've slept through the sunrise and I turned away every time it got bright.
I won't run when it looks like love.
I recently turned up a poem i wrote about a year ago and forgot about.
We Think we're mortified
Or that we're petrified
We know we're lost inside
But what's we got to find?
Something deep within missed
That some say never did exist
We're all accidents down here
Explaining pain. Causing fear.
All that's left of fallen gods
Of some lost kingdom long forgotten
And when the beauty of the light
Comes contrasting to turn our heads
We'll close our eyes, The cut's too deep
To risk infection by a dirty sheet
Drawing the life that's left of me
Hanging it for the world to see
What have I become?
We'll stick to our own gun turret
Here that always kept us safe
It's like four walls closing in
But I'll hold my own, this blood soaked place
If "Help me now" escape my lips
Then my religion is lost
The only way to keep me safe
Is keeping this room locked
If hope should be found in me
If I could believe that light
Could ever shine unto me
Then show me now
You're in my sights.
I just really wanted to share some song and verse but i guess if there was a point to this it might be this: that nobody wants to hear you say that they're a bad person or that you're better than them. But if you believe you are worth loving then you should believe that others are worth loving. If you know that you need love then wake up and realize that everybody feels the same thing. Show a little love eh?
Saturday, January 03, 2009
So this is the new Year
I was talking to a friend recently about how, when we both were younger, we thought we'd have done so much and come so far in life by the time we came to where we are now. But of course looking at our lives presently, we easily deducted that our lives and accomplishments have resembled nothing similar. Are there regrets to accompany this observation? No. Life is not what i thought it'd be by now when i was in high school, but I am glad that I have ended up where i am with the experiences i have nonetheless. Who thought things could be better than i imagined?
It may sound either pie-in-the-sky philosophy or freethinking foolishness to say this but i will say it because i think it is something more: life has more to do with who you are than what you do. Certainly one effects the other, but I tend to think its the former which takes it effect on the latter rather than the contrary.
This summer I met someone who asked me a question almost immediately upon our meeting. "Are you living the dream? Are you where you want to be- doing what you want to be doing- in life?"
That question might have come across as an awkward conversation opener in most settings, but in this case the friend who i've since learned is a career counselor, pastor and father was too well meaning and good humored for me to answer glibly.
"you know what..." I answered, "I am. "
How good it felt to say that.
There had been many times, especially in that previous year when i would have thought twice before answering a round-about no. This time I answered yes... and I think there's something significant there.
I believe that God has made us. I believe that we are his creations whom he has chosen to extend unbelievable love to. And i think that if we see that and function as he designed us to in relationship to him that we will find ourselves "living the dream". This is what i mean when I say that who you are might president what you do.
Simply, I think that seeing yourself as a child of God changes a lot of things.
I don't know exactly where I'm headed in this journey... but I wouldn't ask to be elsewhere. Lately when people ask me what I'm up to, I answer, "I'm living the dream."
Life may not always be as comfortable as it is right now, but I hope that i can, regardless of circumstances, always say that I am...
In Christ,
"living the dream."
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